i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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