I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
