I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
either way he was missing a nipple.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
