i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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