my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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