??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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