My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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