my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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