I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
