I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
