Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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