if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
