you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
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