I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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