An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I deserve this hangover.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
