Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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