You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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