So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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