Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Couch. On fire.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
