he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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