your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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