i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
