idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
All the doctor said was why
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
