My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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