No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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