We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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