i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
