I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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