I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
