Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
