In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
