Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
