Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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