I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
