Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
