she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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