Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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