Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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