His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
