there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
