I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
