I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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