dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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