So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
