I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
