shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
