best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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