I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
