friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
