I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
