She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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