I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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