My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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