I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
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