So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
