i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
