at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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